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Somebody Tell Aunt Tillie She's Dead (The Toad Witch Mysteries Book 1) Kindle Edition

by Christiana Miller (Author) Format: Kindle Edition
4.3 4.3 out of 5 stars 7,569 ratings
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  1. Book 1 of 5
    The Toad Witch Mysteries
  2. Print length
    379 pages
  3. Language
    English
  4. Sticky notes
    On Kindle Scribe
  5. Publication date
    December 25, 2013
  6. File size
    1511 KB
  7. Page Flip
    Enabled
  8. Word Wise
    Enabled
  9. Enhanced typesetting
    Enabled
  10. See all details
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Editorial Reviews

Review

2011 Best Read, Wickedly Bookish Awards. "This indie gem stole my heart with its fun humor, endearing characters, andthrilling moments. The transition from funny to chilling was at timesimmediate, combining these two elements very enjoyably." -- Wickedly Bookish

2012 Silken Sands (RWA) Star Contest, Reader's Choice Award -- 2nd Place, Paranormal

"An entertaining, supernaturally infused chick-lit tale." -- Kirkus Reviews

"What a fun book. I fell asleep reading it and in the morning, I stayed in bed to finish it." -- 2012 Writers Digest Self-Published Book Awards, Finals Judge

From the Author

For readers who are curious about the quarter system used in the book, this story uses the Northern Quarter system which is based in Traditional Witchcraft, rather than the Golden Dawn Quarter system, which is more widely used in Wicca.

Sneak peek at the book:

At the beginning of this whole, surreal journey, I had no idea that you could be evicted from your body as easily as you could be booted out of your apartment. Easier, actually, since there's none of those pesky laws in place to protect you. But it all started out so innocently--with a streak of bad luck.

One of the problems with being a witch is when you ask the universe a question, it generally gives you an answer. Or just enough of one to ruin a perfectly good week.


But since it was my birthday...
 And since I was an eternal optimist...
 And mostly 'cause I was stuck at the longest red light in the history of traffic, with nothing else to do, I dug my tarot deck out of my purse and pulled three cards for the coming year.


Death. Three of Swords. The Tower. 
Transformation. Sorrow. Change through destruction. 
Happy birthday to me. 
Damn it. I shouldn't have looked. You'd think I'd know better by now. Damn tarot cards always suckered me into peeking into my future and I just about always regretted it. Because the hell of it was...
they were usually right.

After a quick stop at Trader Joe's, I was finally home. I propped the grocery bag on my hip, wrestled open the wrought iron gate and placed my hand on my mailbox. Mara Stephens, Apt 1-C. 
I stood for a second, hoping my unemployment check was in there and tried to read the vibes. This was a game I always played with myself--a small psychic exercise to keep my 'sight' sharp. But I didn't feel any sense of urgency or hope. Just a whopping dose of dread. 



Great. So my guess was no check, but at least one major bill I'd have to pay. I unlocked the box and quickly sorted through the mail: a sale flyer from the Crooked Pantry, a birthday card from a temp agency and--yup, there it was, sure enough--a pink notice from the Dept. of Water and Power. 
Good thing I had plenty of candles to fall back on. And a swimming pool. If I got desperate I could always set up a portable shower over the drain in the courtyard. People washed their dogs there all the time. And my shampoo was considerably less toxic than flea dip. 



Tucked into the back of the mailbox was a reminder about the rent. At least that was one thing I didn't need to worry about. Lenny knew I was good for it. How much longer I'd be able to pay the rent though... that thought made me queasy.



Suddenly, a wave of panic hit my stomach and clenched it hard. Forget crawling, gooseflesh positively raced across my arms. I struggled to breathe. Whatever was wrong, it all seemed to be coming from the direction of my apartment.



I dropped the mail into my grocery bag and peeked around the corner of the mail stand. Behind the screen door, my front door was wide open. 
Shit! I ducked back behind the mailboxes and fumbled through my purse for my cell phone. 
I flipped open the phone and hit 9-1-1. 
Busy. 
I hung up and tried again. 
Still busy.



Bloody hell. No wonder the crime rate was so high in Los Angeles. I didn't know what the non-emergency number was, so I decided to call my home phone and warn the intruder to clear out.



If I was lucky, it would just be a break-in. A simple case of anonymous robbery. I'd warn whoever was in there, that I was on my way home, and they'd hit the road with their haul.



But as I punched in the first three digits, the phone beeped, the battery icon blinked and the screen went black. 
Damn it. I shoved the phone back into my purse and took another look at my apartment. The living room lights had been turned on against the gathering dusk. 


But why would robbers turn on the lights? Didn't that negate the whole idea of stealth? 



I crept closer. That's when I saw Mrs. Lasio, the new building manager, planted like a bull in my living room. 
Great. Just freaking great. Why did it have to be her? Why couldn't it have just been some whacked-out crackhead carting off my TV?

Product details

  • ASIN ‏ : ‎ B004XTS58I
  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ HekaRose Publishing (December 25, 2013)
  • Publication date ‏ : ‎ December 25, 2013
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • File size ‏ : ‎ 1511 KB
  • Text-to-Speech ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • Screen Reader ‏ : ‎ Supported
  • Enhanced typesetting ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • X-Ray ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • Word Wise ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • Sticky notes ‏ : ‎ On Kindle Scribe
  • Print length ‏ : ‎ 379 pages
  • Page numbers source ISBN ‏ : ‎ 1461160316
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.3 4.3 out of 5 stars 7,569 ratings

About the author

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Christiana Miller

Christiana Miller

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Christiana Miller is a mom, a novelist and a renegade scriptwriter. Like her characters, she can often be found in the middle of unusual adventures. If her life was a TV show, it would be a wacky dramedy filled with kids, Dobies, random ghosts and quirky characters who get themselves into bizarre situations!

To be notified of future releases, giveaways and sales, you can sign up for her e-mail list at: http://eepurl.com/LeSnn

If you want to know more about her, you can chat with her on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/ChristianaMiller.author or on Twitter @writechristiana

Customer reviews

4.3 out of 5 stars
4.3 out of 5
7,569 global ratings

Top reviews from the United States

Cyn
5.0 out of 5 stars Lovely mystery with tons of laughs
Reviewed in the United States on July 30, 2016
Verified Purchase
This was a different kind of read for me. I totally enjoyed the twists and turns along with the laughs and smiles. There were a few areas that just about broke my heart but most were a total delight. Nothing is as it seems to be you can’t trust those you think you can and those you do trust you might now want to. You along with Mara will have to work out what it right, wrong and happening. When playing with magic one must be careful things maybe be given in a way that you do not want. There is always a price to pay for any wish that comes true.

Poor Mara has lost just about everything her job, her apartment and now her aunt that she has never known. Once she moves into her aunts home everything is off balance and nothing is as it seems. She has weird dreams that could be the death of her. There is evil around and she has to work it out before she ends up dead. Spirits are all-round some good some bad.

Ms. Rose as narrator was a delight with her many different character voices. You have no trouble knowing who is talking or what they are feeling. She gives the right tone to each emotion if the character laughs so does she which made it a wonderful listen you could really get into. I love the evil witch laugh which had me looking around. As I shopped I would laugh or chuckle everyone around me looked at me funny. There are no background noises or any place where the volume changes if a break was taken you cannot tell. Here male and female voices were a delight to listen to. She has a very smooth voice you have no trouble listening to for hours. I am looking forward to listening to more audios by her.

I loved Gus he was so funny making me laughs with his sarcastic way he really made the story so much fun. I really enjoyed the other characters each brings so much to the story. Aunt Tillie is a trip that you can never really get a handle on. I even enjoyed the evil ones. I adore the house and all it brings to the story. If you are looking for a book that has a little of everything you have found it. This is filled with magic, mystery, mayhem and tons of humor. It really was a very fun humorous listen that I totally enjoyed. The ending was great and could be the end but I do believe this is a series. It can be read as a standalone with an ending that leaves you wondering a few things but a good ending.
8 people found this helpful
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Books4Tomorrow
4.0 out of 5 stars BEWITCHING!!
Reviewed in the United States on November 21, 2012
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The title of this book instantly triggered my curiosity. What the heck happened to Aunt Tillie, and how does she not know she's dead? Or is it only that she wouldn't stay dead and buried? And why does she have to be told she's dead? All sorts such questions raced through my mind when I downloaded this book while it was free for kindle. Well, I finished it a couple of minutes ago, and let me tell you fellow bookworms, this one is a keeper.

The entire time I was reading this book, I couldn't tell where the story was heading. Nothing in this novel is predictable, although the ending was a little too cliché for my liking. The first half of the story moves a little slow because the author spends a lot of time on character development. I, a stickler for character details, had no problem with this and happily cruised along. The second half of the book moves to the cottage where all the real action and drama takes place. Things get more intense around this time and the pace noticeably speeds up. What really kept me stuck to the pages though was the side-splittingly hilarious dialogue and wickedly witty banter between the two main role players. There is also a smidgen of romance - if you can even call the flirting between Paul and Mara that - but fortunately it was kept to a minimum. A fan of romance in books I certainly am not.

I was crazy about Mara and Gus from the word go, and I loved how vibrantly the author painted these two characters to make them a perfect fit as bosom buddies. Mara is a smart-mouth, tough-love, character who doesn't easily get swayed by the many curveballs life throws at her. She's a typical, Scottish-American with a fondness for jeans and tee-shirts, and she's smart, impulsive, and an all around sincerely nice witch with an unfortunate dose of bad luck on her side. Once I got to the end of the book, I was amazed at what a strong character she is to have endured and survived the ordeals she had to suffer. But Gus on the other hand, was undoubtedly my favorite character. He's exactly the type of loyal guy friend any girl would love to have in her life. Gus is a flamboyantly eccentric Greek-American Celtophile with a flair for the unfashionable whose wardrobe often resembles "Pirates of the Caribbean" meets "The Craft".

However, as much as I enjoyed all the laugh-out-loud moments and the craziness of all the events that took place in Mara's life, I was slightly disappointed with the last third of the story. Once Mara and Paul's bodies were possessed by Lizette and Lucien's spirits, it felt to me as though the story was losing its momentum. I didn't really understand Lizette's back story and I couldn't feel sorry for her or Aunt Tillie as their history was only mentioned in passing. I still have no idea how Lucien fit into Lizette's life or what he was of her other than her bedmate. In all honesty, I couldn't really figure out how Aunt Tillie fit into the grand scheme of things except for being a supporting character used as a decoy so the reader has no clue as to who the real villain is. As much as I enjoyed most of the characters, I felt that some of the supporting characters were really unnecessary and didn't add much to the story. But other than that, this novel really has a lot going for it. I couldn't put it down until I had read the last page, where loose ends were tied up nicely, but enough was left over for the next book in this series.

Due to the amount of profanity and explicit content, I wouldn't recommend this book for readers below the age of eighteen. For everybody else, this book is really worth it, even if it's only for the fantastic dialogue with hilarious come-backs, and two really terrific main characters. Oh, and of course you have to read it so you get to meet Lord Grundleshanks the toad. If you ask me I'll say he was the real hero in all this.
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Scott Ryan
5.0 out of 5 stars Reminds me of a book from my youth.
Reviewed in the United States on March 25, 2024
Verified Purchase
This, in ways, feels very like "A Warlock in Spite of Himself" - in that it is a very throughly detailed and thought out story, with lots of moving parts, and it works. I am guessing, since CM was previously/is a screenwriter, unlike CStasheff, that the following stories will be as great. (At least CS claimed he learned to write better, later, and he did, but almost all of what he wrote afterwards was simplistic and quite derivative. Lacked creative spark.) Anyhow, going now to get more from CM. Thanks so much for writing this! And as a Wisconsinite, kind of felt a warm fuzzy, too.
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Top reviews from other countries

Janet Beardsley
5.0 out of 5 stars I love this author!
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on June 23, 2023
Verified Purchase
These mid western witches are a hoot at times especially aunt Tillie, what a character! All the family have their own unique characters along with characters that interact with the family. You will laugh out loud at times!
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Katrina
5.0 out of 5 stars A look into the occult world
Reviewed in Canada on January 10, 2021
Verified Purchase
Fascinating. The author creates a believable world where things aren't always what they seem. It's an interesting life that's new to me and we get to explore it with witches as our guides. Easy reading but you need to keep track of who is helping who and why.
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Peter Steventon
5.0 out of 5 stars Brilliant
Reviewed in Germany on August 16, 2020
Verified Purchase
Christiana writes a very good story, from beginning to the end, couldn’t put it down. Look forward to the second in the series
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Anonymous
5.0 out of 5 stars Dare to test waters
Reviewed in India on March 5, 2018
Verified Purchase
Buy this,
if you,
- like supernatural in daily life
- understand that spells work
- know that there is another world inside this regular world
- can understand relationships and how beautiful and conflicting they could be at the same time
- would like to be slightly intimidated
- have an experience with supernatural
- want to feel the power of words taking you to another level of thrill

I definitely like..
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Anna O
5.0 out of 5 stars A klutsy modern witch
Reviewed in Australia on October 30, 2018
Verified Purchase
First the title - "Somebody Tell Aunt Tillie She's dead" - and to move over and leave the living to enjoy her witchy cottage, is probably the intent of the title. But Aunt Tillie doesn't make an appearance until well into the book when her great niece, Mara, moves into her cottage. Mara is a 28 year old modern witch trying to live a normal human life in LA when her Tarot cards predict chaos and her imminent death. And chaos follows as Mara then uses magic to save herself and accidentally causing the untimely death of her aunt thousands of miles away.

What did I enjoy - the great one liners, the banter between Mara and her bestie, Gus, a gay witch who dabbled in the darker side of the craft and of course the cottage that defended itself by turning a would be arsonist into a tree!

What frustrated me - that ghostly Aunt Tillie kept insisting Mara leave and escape "the curse" without ever explaining about the curse. Mara' s propensity to act against her better judgement or simply not use any common sense. The unprotected sex, I initially assumed Mara would be on some contraception, and condoms are still a fashion item.

And the audio - I love whispersync. I did enjoy the narration, especially Lisette and Lucian. Audio interpretation is a wonderful added dimension and sometimes the spoken word can have nuances of meaning not immediately evident to someone like myself when I speed read to find out what happens next.

In summary - a great romp, lots of fun, and I loved the potions and spells
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